I loved him. Part of me maybe still does. And yet, deep down I knew he was evil and malicious and hurt people for his own pleasure. I knew it. But my desire to be wanted and loved by any man overrode my good sense and made me blind to what he really was. Then, one day, he crossed a line that could not be uncrossed and it was in that moment I knew I had to stop him.
For some time, I had had the horrible feeling that I was in the midst of something I didn’t know how to get out of. My mental health had deteriorated and yet, he seemed to like that I was vulnerable. He would cause a crisis, then swoop in to save the day; to be the hero. For six years I had fallen for that over and over, all while convincing myself he must love me; he must care about me. His affections would turn on to high whenever I was struggling and I would think “he really does care”. The truth is he just didn’t want to lose the opportunity to have me right where he wanted me. I will always carry some form of shame over letting my logic be overwhelmed by my need for affection. The hardest part was I had so few people to talk to about it. For professional reasons, this was a big secret and he held that power dynamic over me the whole time. A few close friends did know, but even to them I didn’t tell the truth of what was really happening. I didn’t let them in because I was afraid they would think less of me.
What ended the relationship for me wasn’t the gaslighting or the emotional manipulation or even the seething anger and control that I had finally learned to recognize. It was catching him in a lie. For all his faults, I believed he had never lied to me before (although I know now this was far from the truth). We had a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” type of thing going on for all those years and I think I used that to avoid knowing what the truth really was. At one point I had finally said that I couldn’t be intimate with him if he was sleeping with other women. I needed to feel safe and although I knew I wasn’t the only one, I thought he would respect this one request. He didn’t. Something inside me broke and I was done….full stop.
While I had finally ended things, there was still a professional relationship that I couldn’t avoid. And, as much as I tried to hate him, I couldn’t. Six years is a long time to be with someone and feelings don’t just turn off overnight. But the more I learned about how evil he was and the things he was doing to hurt other people, the more I felt strengthened in my resolve to never go back. And then, one day, I had to have a conversation with him in my professional capacity. He berated me, he belittled me, and he then tried to emotionally manipulate me by saying I was still his friend. I stood my ground and remained professional but I also went silent several times and didn’t take the bait he was offering. When I got off the phone I had two thoughts; one was that he truly was a horrible person, and the second was that although this wasn’t the first time he had treated someone in my workplace like this, it would be the last. So, I called my superiors and told them what had happened. I outlined the facts and what was said and I followed up in writing. No one had any idea of our personal relationship and I was glad as I didn’t want to appear as a bitter “ex” in any way. And I wasn’t. I simply kept coming back to the thought that he has no right to treat myself and my co-workers like this. Period. Full stop. And then I called a very good friend who sadly knew quite well what a bully and predator he was. That friend, who at the time had no idea of the personal relationship I had had, encouraged me to report the incident to the organization he worked for. I still to this day have no idea how I made that call. But call I did and in that moment, I changed as a person and as a woman.
The events that spiraled from there were intense and took an emotional toll that almost broke me. I was the first to put a formal complaint in. Others followed. The dominos fell quite quickly and before I knew it, he was suspended from his organization and a full investigation finally began. It had been a long time coming and many senior staff, including his own supervisor, had seen him bully and berate people but had not taken adequate action. Now they had to. Mine was not the most serious allegation; not by a long shot. What did come out was horrific and I realized how many people had been traumatized by his actions and his predatory ways. It should have felt like a victory but it was far from that.
Instead, I turned it all inward. I felt immense guilt. Guilt for not saying anything sooner. Guilt for how much he had hurt people, some of whom I cared about a great deal. Even though it was his actions that had done those awful things, I harboured the guilt and shouldered the blame. Why? Because in my mind, I had ruined the career of the man I had loved so deeply. What a strange thing to think about now! But, at the time, my story was that I bore the responsibility for ruining his life. I hit rock bottom a short time after this and, although I cooperated with the investigation, it took every ounce of strength I had to endure it. Eventually the weight of it all was too much and I was formed in the hospital as suicidal and took several months off of work. I bore the shame that should have been bore by him.
Little by little, I pulled myself back together. So many friends helped me along the way, especially those who I had entrusted with the knowledge that I had had a personal relationship with him. They didn’t judge me; they said I was brave; they said I should hold my head high; they said that countless people were better off because of what I had done and they would never know my name or that it was me. I heard all of this but I didn’t feel it. I wished that it had been someone else to come forward to start that domino effect. Why did it have to be me?? And, because I knew how angry he could get, I spent the next year scared to death that he would retaliate. Every time I heard a car door slam, I would jump and run to the window to see who it was. I had fears of him showing up with a shotgun to finish me off. Sure, it seems dramatic, but the reality is I knew what he was capable of and how unhinged he could get. I had witnessed the seething rage in those eyes on more than one occasion. You don’t cross him. That was my reality and that hypervigilance exhausted me for a very long time.
Slowly, very slowly, I began to emerge from the whole nightmare. Eventually he lost his job, although this was covered up by his organization. I’m sure there was a quiet payout and for a long time I was very angry about it. I wanted it exposed. I wanted his organization to say that they had let him get away with the bullying and the horrible behaviour. I know now that this wasn’t realistic and, as with most large entities, they will do all they can to protect their reputation. But I was proud of the fact that I had gotten them to pay for some of my therapy. I will take the wins where I can. When the anger started to subside and the fear began to dissipate, the clarity began. Instead of asking, “why did it have to be me?”, I told myself that there was no other person it could have been. I knew more than others what he was capable of and what he had done to other people. He bragged about it so many times! I know there are parts of him that are good and, in some quiet moments, he did let himself be vulnerable with me and share some of his trauma. I don’t doubt he has been through a lot of shit, but it didn’t give him the right to traumatize others or prey on their emotions. In that moment, during that last conversation with him, I had to make a hard choice. I can say with full confidence now that I made the right one.
So, you may think that doing what I did is what I am referring to when I go back to the title of the bravest thing I have ever done. You could not be more wrong. Was it brave to file the complaint? Yes, it was. But there is something bigger at play here. I took my power back. He still pops up in my world now and again and, at first, it was a terrible trigger and my freeze response would kick in. Now when it happens, I can smile and say to myself, “that’s right dude…..you take a look at how well I am doing”. There was a moment, when speaking at a women’s’ conference, that I told the story publicly for the very first time. It seemed like the right place to do so and the love and support I felt in that room almost knocked me to the floor. There are so many brave women out there who have had to come forward and be vulnerable in order to bring down those who would seek to squash their spirit. I am not unique. I embrace that fact that I am part of a strong and brave group of women who have found their way out of an abusive relationship; who have stepped forward to bring a bully down; who have sacrificed much in order to become whole again. For the first time in my life, instead of trying to save someone else who didn’t deserve it, I saved myself. And that is the bravest thing I have ever done.
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